Order From the Menu, People

[editors note:  I haven't had anything worth ranting over lately. Seriously.  Every cup of coffee I've had from an establishment has been either delicious, or already ranted on previously.  So, I'll spare you any crapified coffee rants over places I've decided to re-try in hopes that their poop brew has changed, when in fact, no...they haven't.  This following rant is on ordering coffee, not necessarily the coffee itself...primarily because I was the barista in question.  I wouldn't rant about myself, of course.  Why rant on awesomeness?  Also, understand, that I'm not ranting about my church friends.  I love all of my church friends...and loved all of my previous customers.]

Last Sunday, I was given the opportunity by request to ‘man’ the espresso bar at our church.  I was excited for a few reasons:

1. I haven’t run an espresso bar in over a year
2. Their espresso bar is real. Not your push-button crap. Full on real-life espresso. Adjust the grind. Tamp the portafilter. Steam the milk. Pull the shot.
3. I’m picky about my espresso…which means, I can tell when a shot isn’t going to be good.  I’ll throw a shot away if I think it’s bad. Wasteful?  Heck yes. [side note: If you're ordering a drink with 2 or more syrups, order decaf, or ask that your milk be 'extra hot', just know that I'll give you a crappy shot.  I won't waste a good shot on you because you won't even taste it.

But I digress.  And know that this isn't a slam against my church friends.  It's the way they ordered it that reminded me of exact conversations I had with coffee shop customers, so very long ago. Read on...

CUSTOMER ENCOUNTER #1:

Bill, we'll call him, approaches the counter and orders a "skinny, haf-caf, with caramel and vanilla, extra hot latte"  Being simply a cash register operator, the girl marking the cup for me to prepare his drink, had no idea what 'skinny' was...understandably so.  The conversation goes like this:

Girl:  What does skinny mean?
Bill:   Well, you know...non fat.
Girl:  Oh.  I didn't know that.  Good to know.
Bill:   Don't forget to make that sugar free.
Girl:  You want that sugar free and non-fat? [just to make sure she understood]
Bill:   Yes…that’s what I meant by ‘skinny’.  See, when you go to Starbucks, they understand what I’m talking about.

At that point, I wanted to turn around and say “Well…go to Starbucks.”  But I didn’t…because I love Bill.  He’s a super nice guy, that apparently, likes his coffee crapped up.  Also, I’m not a total douche.

CUSTOMER ENCOUNTER #2:

If you, as a lover and drinker of beverages do not like coffee, the last place you should go for said beverage, is a coffee shop. Now, it’s common that most coffee shops have non-coffee drinks [tea, italian sodas, fruit smoothies], but when you…well…just read on about a girl, we’ll call Judy:

Judy:  I need something hot to drink..I’m cold. What would you reccomend for me?
Girl:  How about a nice latte?
Judy:  I hate coffee. I hate the smell, the taste..not a fan.
Girl:  Hot tea, perhaps?
Judy: Not a fan of tea either.
– at this point, I turn around, and the cash register girl approaches me –
Girl:  She wants something hot, but doesn’t like coffee or tea…what can we do?
Me:  [to Judy] Well..I can make you a hot chocolate.
Judy: [Deliberates on this decision for literally 5 minutes]
Judy:  Well…that sounds fine.  No coffee, right?
Me: [head explosion...KABOOOOOOM]

I don’t know how many times a person would come into my coffee shop asking for something to drink that wasn’t coffee.  It was as irritating as someone coming in and ordering drinks that “Big Green” had, but we didn’t.  Granted, there are some drinks that are the same translation, but different in name or style.  But you, as the customer, should actually read the menu.  The size “Venti” is pretty much reserved for the Big Green, and should only be ordered at the Big Green.  If you don’t see “Americano” on the list, ask the barista if they could make one before demanding it.

Pay attention to the menu.  If you’re in a hurry and don’t want to focus on the store’s menu lingo, order a cup of coffee.  That will translate generally anywhere.  If you hate coffee, you should either quit reading this blog, or start loving coffee, or perhaps order a delicious cup of water.