Yes. The laziest man in Los Angeles County, (which would place him high in the runnin’ for laziest worldwide) would be proud of my non-accomplishment as a blogger. Like every tool who’s ran for President in last 200 years, I made promises. I promised continuous posts, reviews, sarcasm, a debt free nation and the legalization of marijuana – but just so all the pot heads would have nothing to talk about anymore. Needless to say, I haven’t written an actual post since February. I’d like to blame it on a Roland Emmerich scale disaster, or maybe Kristen Stewart, but we all know that would just make me want to write more.

You see, I love film. I love it so much that I spend a lot of my time watching it. Instead of writing about my experiences, I twitter something real quick then proceed to watch something else. When I do sit down to write, I usually have to clean up my desktop, which includes cleaning my actual desk, then the house, then the car, and then I play StarCraft. Luckily my girlfriend has red hair and loves film as much as I do. By “loves” I’m referring to a girl who was dementedly grinning and gritting her teeth when Terry Crews was blowing people to pieces with an MPS AA-12 “Sledgehammer” during The Expendables.

See? You miss my idyllic rambling and over-exaggerations. I’ve been to tied up with sitting around, talking about going to the gym and complaining about Twilight to actually write something that will make someone want to punch something soft and cute. I really would like to apologize for my Lebowski-like behavior. I will not, however, promise to write more. Hopefully I’ll just feel the superfluous guilt to appease my two readers or actually motivate myself enough to share my unhindered thoughts about something you probably would have enjoyed otherwise.

So what exactly have I viewed in the last 6 months? Here’s a quick list with an unoriginal grading structure:
Daybreakers – C
The Book of Eli – B
The Lovely Bones – B-
Edge of Darkness – C+
Crazy Heart – A-
The Ghost Writer – B+
The Crazies – A-
Cop Out – F
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo – A
The Runaways – B+
Hot Tub Time Machine – B+
Date Night – C-
The Joneses – B+
Kick-Ass – A
The Good The Bad and The Weird – A
The Losers – A
Iron Man 2 – B+
Robin Hood – B-
MacGruber – D-
Get Him To The Greek – C
The A-Team – A-
Invictus – A-
Coco Before Chanel – B+
Toy Story 3 – A+
Despicable Me – A+
Predators – B+
Inception – A+
The Expendables – B-
Scott Pilgrim VS The World – A

There was also about forty others on Netflix, including all of South Park and Dilbert. Looking back though, I realize that many of those were total crap or completely forgettable.

I also attended SXSW again, and enjoyed the crap out of Austin. I saw several great films and two that were really worth mentioning. Monsters, which had incredible CG that was completely done by the director on his laptop, and The Happy Poet, which was about as feel-good as they come.

I wish I had taken the time to write about all these experiences while they were still fresh in my mind, rather than trying to recall them by saying phrases like “Yeah, it sucked pretty hard” or “I remember something awesome happening”. I’ll try harder at not to letting myself lapse like that again. After all, Walter had buddies die face down in the mud back in ‘Nam so I could write this rigmarole for you chowder heads to read.

Shutter Island was directed by Martin Scorsese and stars Leonardo DiCaprio (because they’re in love), Mark Ruffalo, Ben Kingsley, and John Carroll Lynch. There’s much more to the cast, but those are just the few that I actually care about. It takes place at a mental facility for the criminally insane on a remote island in 1954. Leonardo plays as Teddy Daniels, a U.S. Marshall investigating a missing patient with his partner, Chuck Aule (Mark Ruffalo).

Even Mark Ruffalo thinks Leo's prop tie is the sex

Shutter Island begins with Teddy getting seasick on a ferry on its way to the island. This involves lots of dry heaving and the feeling that this guy may actually blow chucks on screen. He soon meets his partner, Chuck, and lands on the Island itself. It could be my seasonal, deep obsession with Lost, but I half expected John Locke to greet them. With a knife.

If you’ve been anywhere outside of a hole for the last year, then you already know that the film is a thriller, shrouded in mystery. Per contra, this is not a horror film with chainsaw wielding psychopaths running around in dank, gloomy, mental wards, as the many witless patrons that I shared a theater with imagined it would be. For most of the film, Teddy has flashbacks of a Nazi death camp from WWII as well as hallucinations of his deceased wife, which is mentioned at the beginning. All this happens continuously throughout the film. At some points you’re not sure if he’s hallucinating again, or if what he’s experiencing is actually real.

The story evolves at a few key moments taking the film in a new direction, but without leaving the original plot in the dust. Also, the pace of the film continues steadily without taking a break on random, non-essentials. There are occasional moments where something is alluded to, but nothing follows through. This is rare, but is still something that feels overlooked, and not purposeful. Almost every dream sequence has a small clue that connotes what is really happening in the story, howbeit, this is not something you pick up on unless you already know what is unfolding.

You did what to your husband?

I’ve done my best to not give out any spoilers this time. The subtleties that are creatively woven throughout the film come together very well at the big reveal, even up until the last line. If I were to talk about it anymore, I would unfortunately begin to give away the plot line, cause you to go insane, and have you end up in some creepy mental ward on a remote island. I won’t say this is an amazing film, but I will say that its a great one. It’s highly enjoyable and not easily forgettable.

• See in theaters? Yes
• Rent? Fo shizzle
• Buy? The fact that Martin Scorsese directed this is reason enough.

*Bonus: I forgot to mention, the score is simple and yet perfectly creepy. You’d be surprised at how a foghorn blowing every other second never actually gets annoying.

Let me start off by saying this: The Wolfman was not a bad movie… It was a terrible movie.

The Wolfman was directed by Joe Johnston who is also responsible for such films as Hidalgo and Jurassic Park III, and will soon be responsible for the Captain America film adaptation (which if he ruins, I will personally murder him with a dull pocket knife.) It stars Benicio Del Toro, Emily Blunt, Anthony Hopkins and the always awesome Hugo Weaving. Its a remake of of the slightly cheesy, yet surprisingly intense 1941 original. It scored a 32% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is about right.

Roar!

The film starts off rather quickly, having a man gored by the beast right away. Soon, Del Toro’s character, Lawrence Talbot, is involved and that’s when it goes down hill. The cinematography at first is beautiful; gloom and despair surround the small village in a fog and darkness that you would expect to find a mythical, bloodthirsty monster. However, before long, you realize that the story sucks and you just stop caring about all the fog. I understand that making a monster seem real and frightening by todays standards is not an easy feat to pull off. We’ve been desensitized by the horrors that humans can commit to the point that nothing actually scares us anymore. The Wolfman does have a few moments that make you jump, but those moments are anticipated and only catch you off guard if you’re too busy yawning or picking your nose. Since CGI is now all the rage, they decided to incorporate as much as they could, even when the scene did not require anything computer generated. In the scene where Lawrence is bitten by the beast, he is speaking with some morons at a Gypsy camp when some of the local townsfolk decide to roll in and blame the recent attacks on the Gypsy’s trick bear… the bear that looks like a cartoon because its all CGI. Apparently a real bear is hard to come by in Hollywood. The film continues to venture into awfulness from then on. For most of the movie, Del Toro appears as if he just doesn’t give a crap, and possibly is loaded up on quaaludes. Hugo Weaving provides the only scripted comedy, Emily Blunt continues to be hot and British and Anthony Hopkins is, well, himself. Terrible dialogue is delivered so often, that when there is a moment you should be taking seriously, you end up snorting to hold in the giggles.

Spoiler: Do not continue to read if you still care enough to waste your money on this.

Anthony Hopkins, who plays as Lawrence’s Father, is the original wolfman who bit Lawrence at the beginning as well as tore half the townsfolk limb from bloody limb. Lawrence figures this out and takes a month to walk from London back to his village while everyone else take a day or two. He arrives just minuets before the full moon hits and they are able to have a quick, witless conversation before they both turn into wolfmen. This is where is goes from bad to freaking ridiculous. After they both turn, the budget for CG dropped considerably. It’s as if they wasted what they had left on the stupid bear in the Gypsy camp. However, despite the terrible digitalization of them both, they begin to duke it out… WWE style. It was all I could do not commentate loudly in the theater and yell out “Pile Driver!” and “From the top ropes!”. They brawled for a few minutes like Godzilla and King Kong before Lawrence wised up and threw his idiot dad into the fire. He then went Mortal Kombat on him and knocked his head clean off with one fell swipe of the paw. FINISHING MOVE! Oh, and the decapitated head morphed back into a CG, burned, Anthony Hopkins that chomped for a few seconds before finally stopping.

More stupid crap happens, including Hugo Weaving’s character getting bit by Del Toro’s wolfman and Del Toro escaping into the woods, while an ignorant Emily Blunt followed him. He attacks her and as he’s about to take a bite outta dat, she shoots him with a silver bullet. So much for your plan to save the beast, eh Emily? Del Toro barfs on his acting career one more time and performs a death scene that can only be paralleled by a 1920′s western.

And credits.

I was actually excited for this film some months back, back when Oscar season was beginning and I thought every film was incredible, a time before I remembered that January and February is when movies that someone took a dump on get released. I remember reading about it over 2 years ago, and thinking that this would be fantastic.

Scary Mofo

I loved the original one when I was a kid, it scared the crap out of me. Of course, when Abbot and Costello met the wolfman, I thought it was the greatest thing since bread. Not even sliced. Just bread in general.

I feel that the Rotten Tomatoes T-meter is accurate. 32% fits. It has a few elements that make you want to keep watching it, but the overall experience is just awful. However, if you want to just have fun and see some over the top de-limbing gore, then go for it.

Watch in theaters? No

Rent? Yes

Buy? No… Not unless you own a snuggie. Then you already have no taste and should probably be banished to an island with all the Twilight fans.

Four days after seeing the awesomeness that is J.J. Abrams new film, Star Trek, Nathan and I finally did a review. Something we swore we would do the next day prior to seeing it again. Point being, we did one so stop whining.

My apologies for the audio, we recorded it on the Flip and another device, but we sucked at doing it right.

Starbucks New Instant Coffee - VIA

Today I took a most fortunate trip to my local Starbucks and was “secretly” given a sample of Starbucks new Instant Coffee called VIA. I’ve been waiting to try it ever since I heard the announcement via @starbucks on Twitter. Starbucks has been marketing this product as tasting  identical to their fresh brewed coffee in the store: I was skeptical to say the least.

Experience

The process was about as easy as one would hope. I opened the tiny pouch of “coffee dust” and emptied into a normal sized mug. The instant coffee powder actually smelled amazing.  I then filled a mug with 8 ounces of hot water and promptly stirred the concoction.

The ease of preparation is obviously a plus in any instant coffee situation, but this was quite nifty as I didn’t have to mess around with any extra containers or utensils to prepare my beverage.  I was also fortunate to have boiling water on tap at work, which cut out the boiling time.  Total preparation time was about 20 seconds.

The only thing some serious coffee goers may disapprove in this process is its quickness. I happen to enjoy grinding my own beans and pressing down the coffee press and pouring my coffee. For this reason, I give the experience a B+. For most people, they are looking for a no hassle, quick way to get a great cup of coffee. For them, the experience would no doubt deserve an A.

Experience Grade: B+

Taste

Even after reading many great reviews via Twitter (#VIA) I was still quite skeptical as I count myself a lover a good quality whole bean coffee, and I drink a lot of it: Preferably pressed or pouring through my portafilter at work. I really can’t say I’ve ever consumed any Instant Coffee other than the stuff I sneaked away when I was 9 during Sunday-school (explains some things).

I received the Italian Roast version of the VIA. They also are currently producing a Columbia, which I presume is a bit lighter in body. I was extremely impressed on my first sip. The coffee did taste fresh and at no point did it expel any fake stale flavors on my pallet. The aftertaste was quite tame, almost to tame for an Italian roast. The “edge” on the Italian Roast seemed to have been dumbed down a bit to accommodate an average pallet, but for good reason: This coffee is being marketed toward the average coffee drinker. As the coffee began to cool down, it didn’t seem to have any unique degradation with temperature change. The last sip still tastes good and normal and there was no weird residue at the bottom of my mug.

For the most part, the taste is what I would expect from an average roasted, normal quality cup of drip brewed coffee at any reputable coffeehouse, and much better than any other drip coffee you’d receive at a restaurant or fast food joint.

Taste Grade: A-

Starbucks VIA - In Hand

Value

Only after I tasted the coffee did I learn of price Starbucks is asking for these things. Currently, they are selling 3 packets (3 drinks) for $2.95 and 12 packets for $9.95, which averages out to around $1.00 a cup of coffee.

For me, this is where the deal ends. Given that I normally can purchase one pound of quality whole bean coffee for $10 which roughly produces 32 double shot americanos, I can almost consume 3 times the amount of quality coffee (If not better using different brewing methods) for the same price. So, Instead of paying $1.00 per cup of coffee, I am only spending 33 cents by purchasing whole beans and brewing my own.

This is only a deal assuming you don’t mind the time it takes to prepare your coffee. Some may find the 66 cent premium well worth it for being able to sleep in 5 minutes later.

Again, for me, The value is just not there. Bring the price down to 50 cents a cup, and I may be more interested in making VIA a semi regular part of my day.

Value Grade: D

Conclusion

All in all, I was impressed. I would definitely drink it again given the correct circumstances. (laziness, out of beans, in a hurry) I may even purchase a few to keep at my desk for emergency situations, or bring along to a restaurant with horrible coffee. If you are a regular drip coffee drinker who hates the hassle of purchasing whole beans and dealing with brewing equipment, VIA may be a great choice for you. For the experienced coffee drinker who enjoys the process of brewing and loves to experiment with exotic coffees and flavor profiles, you may not want to waste your money or time.

Overall Grade: B

This review is brought to you by Redunk and the throngs of people that continue to fuel the writing, filming and production of crappy movies. Thank you for flooding the market.

Taken was written by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen and directed by Pierre Morel. It stars Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace (Remember the hot yet annoying blond chick from the first season of Lost?) The always gorgeous Famke Janssen and some other French dudes that no one really knows. It scored a 55% on Rotten Tomatoes T-Meter, a 40% from Top Critics and a 91% from the mindless RT Community.

First let me start off by saying that I thought this movie sucked. I saw it about 3 or 4 weeks before it hit theaters in the U.S. I was immediately glad that I didn’t stand in line and waste $10 on it. I rated it 20% on Rotten Tomoatoes.

Now before a flame war begins and you swear at Redunk and pillage the servers, I will say that the fight sequences were awesome. I’m pretty sure that’s how Liam Neeson would really act if someone kidnapped his daughter. He takes no prisoners and leaves no one for the ambulance, just the Coroner. He romps all over France beating the crap out of everyone he even thinks is connected and leaves a trail of bodies. Good stuff. However, that was all I liked about the whole film, and even that was being generous.

This movie was a total rip off of The Bourne Identity as well as many other kill-baddies-all-over-Europe-because-I’m-an-ex-spy movie. It takes every cliché from that genre and capitalizes on it. In fact, its almost entirely written off clichés. On top of the awful clichés, it seemed that everyone was told as soon as they walked on set, “Forget what you know about good acting. It will not exist in this film. Seriously, act like this is your 5th grade Christmas play.” Even Liam, who is awesome, acted as if he was only there because he owed someone a favor. A big one. 

All in all, the story was weak, forced and overplayed. The dialogue was laughable, the acting was pathetic and the daughter ran wierd. I seriously thought something was wrong with her. Other than than dudes getting their faces punched in, I was genuinely board. 

Here’s a quick recap:

Warning: There be spoilers ahead (but honestly, there’s not much left to spoil)

“I’m so emo, ’cause I was a typical Spy/Father and didn’t spend enough time with my family because I was to busy saving America and my wife left me, even though she knew better. Oh well, I quit all that 5 years too late so I can be poor and live close by my daughter and ex-wife who married a typical rich guy.

“Its my daughters birthday, I’ll spend all of $15.00 dollars on a karaoke machine that was made for an eight year old even though she’s seventeen.”

“Oh goody, she likes it, because she has this fantasy that she’s going to be a pop star still someday. I’m glad my whiny ex-wife was able to see that… ah crap, the super-rich step-dad bought her a horse and she now could care less about my half-hearted gift.”

“Hmm, I’ve been offered a body guard job protecting some high class pop-star, I should ask her if she’ll see my daughter. 

“Oh noes, some guy was classically waiting to stab the pop-star! Good thing I’m so awesome! I’ll hospitalize this idiot and rescue the star. Me FTW.”

“My daughter wants to go to France? No ways, I know how things roll there. I have premonition. Well… since she’s thrown such a spoiled fit, I’ll let her, so long as she takes my super secret spy phone”

“To top it all off, since shes not the least bit traumatized about being held captive by sex-traffickers, I’ll take her to the pop-star that I saved earlier so she can say some formulated cliche line”

Teh End!